5 Tips for Talking with Your Spouse About Money
I think many couples will agree that when it comes to talking about money, it can be an uncomfortable topic. Understandably so given the statistics around finances and divorce rates. And while we hope that divorce is nowhere NEAR the horizon for you, even having arguments or fights can be enough of a deterrent for couples talking about money.
While money has a great deal of meaning to each person, I find that the WAY you talk about it matters so much more than what is actually being discussed.
Here are 5 tips for you and your spouse to consider when talking about or bringing up money:
Approach conversations gently.
Don’t confuse gentle with timid. When bringing up a conversation, using a gentle but assertive approach can make all the difference in the response you receive back. Gently saying to your partner “Hey, I’d like to talk about the way we are spending our money,” has a much different ring than “Hey, you’ve been spending way too much recently.” Not only does the ‘ring’ sound different, the response you receive back will likely be different. Gentle start ups can reduce defensiveness in your spouse. So, choose your words and tone wisely.
2. Use ‘we’ language.
Changing your language to communicate we vs you/I has a powerful effect. It communicates a message that we, the couple, are on the same team. When using you vs I language, partners can feel that they are against each other. A dynamic that can lead to power struggles and negative cycles of interaction. Just as in the example above, you’ll notice in the first statement I used the term “we” and in the second “you.” Lead with ‘we,’ avoid ‘you.’
3. Become curious, not assuming.
Look. We know our partners well…okay very well. But keep in mind that this assuming “I know what you’re thinking,” or “I know why you did this,” mentality will only keep us stuck and lead to conversations going poorly. When bringing up money (or anything for that matter), take a stance of curiosity. Become curious about why your partner may think or feel the way they do. Ask questions that may help you to understand them and the situation better. Becoming curious does not mean interrogating by the way. Our partners can feel the difference between when we are interested and when we are trying to trip them up.
4. Leave the name calling out of it.
This may sound like an obvious one here, but name calling has no place in our conversation or interactions with our spouse. I’m not talking about the cute pet names we give our spouse like “boo, babe, or sweet thang.” Even referring to our partners as “cheap, terrible with money, or shopaholic,” can feel terrible. They tear each other down and create a lack of emotional safety within the relationship. DONT. SAY. THEM!
5. Put a cap on it.
There are some conversations that could go on forever. And by some conversations I mean arguments. If you and your spouse tend to get into lengthy arguments that go on for-ev-er, creating a time boundary on the length can be helpful. Note that when you place a time boundary, if things are not resolved, it’s important to schedule another time to come back and re-visit. Knowing that we are only allowing ourselves 30 minutes to discuss a heated topic can alleviate some pressure from feeling like “this could last forever.” It can also help couples to be more concise and collaborative with each other. Either way, agree on the time limit before the discussion, “Hey babe, would it be okay if we gave ourselves 20 minutes to talk about this?” is a great way of framing that.
Trying to employ all of these can be difficult when you’re first starting out or trying something new. While utilizing all 5 would be a #gamechanger start by picking one or two out and seeing how that goes!
